Trivial Pursuit of Happiness

Well.....

2005-08-02T07:51:00.000-04:00

Well, I've been gone for awhile and now I'm back, only to realize that I don't have that much to write about. Or if I do, I just don't know what it could be. I spent a great week with my family, and my sisters and I kept each other laughing the whole time. Now I'm back to reality. I had a dream about school last night which means that the inevitable is beginning. It's official. Summer vacation is almost over. I only have 2 weeks left, and that really hurts my feelings. I just can't get my mind wrapped around a new group of 4th graders yet, but in time I will...I guess. The more dreams I have the more I'll be thinking about it and so on.

Summer vacation when you're a teacher is just like when you're a kid only you get paid. It's awesome. I love it. Some people think that teachers don't work hard or that they don't have a hard job and then they get summer vacation besides. Well, teachers are one of the hardest working groups of people I know. Our job is often more than 40 hours a week plus all the "stuff" we take home to do. The kids these days come to school with problems I couldn't have fathomed when I was their age. Drugs, alcohol, parents in jail, divorce, poor, abused, etc....I had a child in my class once who saw her uncle shot and killed. She was 7 at the time. When I was 7 the only thing that I had to worry about was what Barbie doll I was going to play with and whether or not I felt like sharing my toys with my sister that day.

I guess that's why I love teaching. I always have a group who needs to be cared for and loved. I'm not saying I've loved having every single kid because that would be a lie, but for the most part I've become attached to my classes and they to me. I get a lot of requests from parents each year for their "little Johnny" to be in my room. That makes me proud, but also a little worried sometimes. I have to live up to their expectations and I don't know if I always do. Oh well, I do my best, I try hard and I pray every day. That's what keeps me going.

I guess that's the best I can write for now. Sorry. Read Ode to the Chicken Breast. It's funny (in my opinion).

Ode to the Chicken Breast

2005-07-20T21:36:00.000-04:00

Chicken Breast, Chicken Breast
from my freezer.
I love to eat you
on my Caesar.
Fried or grilled-
either way.
I love to eat you
everyday.
Right or Left*
it doesn't matter.
Just don't forget,
the breadcrumb batter.

*Right or left is referring to which breast you choose. The right or the left side.

Ode To The Goldfish Cracker

2005-07-20T20:11:00.000-04:00

Goldfish, Goldfish
I love thee so.
It warms my heart
to see your orange glow.
From the very first crunch,
to the very last swallow;
It doesn't even matter that
you're mostly hollow.
Baby Goldfish are the best.
Smaller and cuter than the rest.
Eighty-nine pieces, a serving size,
And I don't have to worry about my thighs.

*I know I'm not a poet....no one has to tell me. I just love Goldfish Crackers.

Annoyed

2005-07-20T06:34:00.000-04:00

Have you ever been mad at someone, let's say.. spouse, significant other, someone else close to you, and they don't know it? And the fact that they don't realize it just pisses you off even more?

I was that way this morning with my husband, and I'm still debating whether or not to be mad. The reason is not really important, it's the fact that he didn't even figure out the body language, the signals. This is when my rational and sane part of my brain usually kick in and tell me to get a grip. "How is he supposed to know if you don't tell him?" The unrational and insane portion of my brain is now beating this party pooper to a pulp. "Shut up." "I don't want to be rational or make sense right now." "I want to be mad." "I want to be angry and hurt." "I want to be confused and unsettled....while no one notices"...clearly this makes sense.

I spent about 20 minutes being annoyed, hurt, upset, disappointed and just plain pissed. Then I got up and did my Pilates work out. That seemed to take some of the wind out of my sails, but I still wish he would have noticed me. Of course, my best body language that would have really gotten his attention was taking place after he already left for work! Yes, I wish you would notice me even though you aren't here. Again, to me this makes sense.

Why does the human mind play these games? Maybe I just did not want to make him mad. Maybe I just didn't want to hurt his feelings. Maybe I'm just stubborn...well, I'm definitely stubborn. Maybe I just have to get over it. I hate that.

I've been tagged too...

2005-07-14T12:16:00.000-04:00

Total number of books that I own:
Too many to count especially if you count in my classroom too. There I have well over 800 titles for my little darlings. Yes, I bought them all myself.

Last book I bought:
Poppy by Avi (bought it today for my class...wonderful tool to use for blooming writers...check it out)

Last book I read:
Bet Me by Jennifer Crusie (very funny)

Book I am currently reading:
Northern Lights-Nora Roberts

Five books that mean a lot to me:
The Bible-particularly St.Paul's writings (Corinthians, Phillipians, Ephesians, etc...)
The Lovely Bones – Alice Sebold (for giving me a different view of heaven-totally agree with E on this one)
Homeland-John Jakes (I love the history)
All Janet Evanovich books (for making me laugh hysterically)

Five people I tag to do their own book meme:
Kellie
Melissa
Rebecca
Blake (The Everglades)
Kel's Bels

I added in the Currently Reading category you can leave it out if you want...

Five Things....

2005-07-14T00:27:00.000-04:00

5 Things I don't get:
1. people who purposely put dogs in handbags and carry them around
2. peanut butter, banana, and mayo on white bread
3. ships inside glass bottles
4. an "all the way" hamburger/hotdog in NC is chili, mustard and slaw
5. people who chew with their mouth open

5 Things other than money I wish I had more of:
1. time
2. patience
3. summer
4. time with my sisters
5. metabolism

5 Least favorite words or phrases
1. "my bad"
2. "cunt"
3. "pussy"
4. "faggot"
5. the "n" word

5 Famous people I've spoken with in person
1. Sinbad said hi to me once(we rode the same plane)
2. Chris Kelly from a morning radio show here said hello
3.
4.
5.

5 Things I do daily that I don't enjoy(when school's in session)
1. driving to work(takes 45 mins)
2. dropping the baby at daycare
3. getting up at 5 am
4. drying my hair
5. figuring out what to wear

5 Things I wish I had a chance to do more often
1. sleep in
2. travel/visit sisters
3. eat out
4. read for fun (during school time)
5. play with my kids (during school time)

5 Favorite movie, TV or Literary quotes (I'm also adding song lyrics and history)
1. "He cries whenever we take him out, so we just leave him in there all the time."
2. "He's so tight that if you stuck a piece of coal up his ass, in two weeks you'd have diamond."
3. "Never had one lesson!"
4. "I tried to forget you, but you tied bells to your name. They jingled every time I thought of you without shame."
5. "You have nothing to fear but fear itself!"

Back in the day...

2005-07-13T08:12:00.000-04:00

I guess it's time I added something to the blog. I've had writer's block for a few days plus an unsatisfied craving to get a life and move away from the computer. The fact that I moved from the computer to the couch really doesn't matter-right?

I have a nine year old. She's funny and cute and down to earth. She loves her baby brother with a passion and she's thoughtful. She's shy beyond belief when around strangers, but that doesn't seem to get in her way too much. She loves sports, (Barbies---eww!) and anything electronic. She is also totally into Build-A-Bear right now. The outfits for these bears are as much as clothes for a human by the way. She has 3 different Game Boys, a portable CD player, Nintendo, X-Box, a TV and so on....she doesn't have this all in one place because her dad and I divorced when she was 3.

Here's the point: She doesn't even know what a record-player is. She's never lived without a microwave (we got our first microwave at home when I was her age). She knows what a cassette player is, but has never really had the occasion for using one. She can't believe it when I tell her that the Smurfs were on when I was her age, she watches them on Boomerang. She's always had a computer while the first time I touched a computer I was in 7th grade. We had to type in DOS about 500 commands to get some cheesy computer bird to start flying around the screen. And Godforbid if you typed one quotation mark or comma wrong because that bird just ain' t gonna fly. The first computer I had at home was when I was in high school!

She will never know what a "homemade" popsicle is. Remember those plastic molds that you pour the Kool Aid in and then put the plastic stick in and freeze? Voila, popsicle. Tupperware was awesome. Remember the bowls that you just press down in the middle and it would snap the whole thing shut...I think my mom almost had an orgasm over that one.

She knows what a VCR is, but we hardly ever use it. Remember when it was a choice between Beta and VHS?

When I was a kid going to McDonald's was a royal treat. We were so thrilled to go, we didn't even mind getting milk to drink instead of pop. My daughter has had so many Happy Meals that I should own some stock in the toys.

I guess I'm showing my age, because there are so many things that I remember that hardly exist any more...or if they do, they aren't as good. Polaroids..they still exist...but how do they compete with digital? Jelly bracelets...kids have them all the time. They can't believe that I used to buy mine for a quarter out of a gumball machine. Now they cost $5.00 for 3 of 'em. Remember Big Wheels? I thought they didn't exist any more, but I saw one at my son's day care and she said it was new. They really got fancy when they put the little break on the side of it. My son got some Weebles for his birthday. Remember those? "Weebles wobble but they don't fall down." Nothing like the Weebles Tree House and Micky Mouse Club I had. They had to totally change them because they were a choking hazzard. Kids who got those in their mouth must have had a pretty big-ass mouth.

Well, I guess that's what I was thinking about lately. I guess I'm just getting old, because come to think of it, my sister Alecia has never lived without a microwave either...hmmm.

The Mall

2005-07-08T18:18:00.000-04:00

Sometimes...I venture out of my house and go to the mall. Picture a typical 3 story mall, with all the typical stores, selling all the typical doo-dads. Picture us (my sister and I, 2 kids in strollers and 2 kids not) standing at the information booth. We are waiting our turn to find out where the family bathroom is so we can take the strollers in and change diapers.

Tap tap tap...."Mom look." My nine-year-old is pointing up at one of the escalators and asking me to look at something. I look up and at the top of the escalator-maybe 2 or 3 steps from the top, I see this old man. He is about 80 years old or so, kinda tall, white hair. No big deal right? Waiting for him at the top appears to be his wife with her own 80 year old arms outstretched for her man to rescue her. Still no big deal. Okay...this is the good part...the man is going up the "down" escalator! He is literally 3 steps from the top and in a constant state of climbing! He of course cannot reach the top. He looks like a hamster in a wheel. He's going and going and going and not getting anywhere. I of course, bust out laughing and tell my sister to look up. We both look up and are laughing our heads off. We can't seem to stop looking. It's like a train wreck.

We took our turn at the information booth, but then I was like "I have to see what's going to happen with this guy" so we kept staring. He just kept climbing.

People have now gathered at the top because they are staring like we are, and probably wishing they could just get down and finish their shopping. My sister and I are laughing and wondering why he doesn't just stop moving and let the escalator take him down. The "up" escalator is only 20 steps or so over and he could meet his wife that way. Seems easy enough, but no.

Finally, a trusty mall maintenance man comes running over. He gets to the bottom of the escalator and he's trying to get the man's attention. The man does not turn around or anything. The maintenance man starts pressing a button on the escalator which sounds an alarm. The poor man continues to tread water. Finally, the escalator stops. The old man realizes what has happened and he walks up the rest of the way.

Now, my sister and I are saying..."Don't tell me he's just going to come right back down." But, lo and behold, he grabs his wife's hand and steps onto the escalator again after it was turned back on! The group at the top must be feeling sorry for him, because they clear the way and give cheesy thumbs-up signs to the maintenance man. As he's coming down, I can see that his face is all red, he looks sweaty and he's out of breath. He must have been on that escalator a long time before we caught the show.

When he got back down, a security guard was waiting for him. The old man had some explanation that I couldn't hear, but we could see the security guard showing him where the up escalator is.

Sometimes....I see people going up the down escalator and I'm so glad I went to the mall.

E and HI-C

2005-07-07T21:02:00.000-04:00

Okay....so I'm addicted to blogging...but besides that, while I read blogs and the comments as much as I can during the day, I also chat with my partner in blogging crime-Alecia. Alecia (also known as E to her closest blogging pals) cracks me up daily while chatting with me on the ol' IM. HI-C is my new nickname and however heinous the drinks are, the name is cool. (Duston if you're reading this and are even thinking of making a dumbass, rude comment about my name...get away... your name should have a "tin" rather than "ton"-duh).

So...Alecia(my sister) and I spend a lot of time talking during the day. That is, when I can steal time away from my kids. It's hard because my one-year-old likes to bang on the keyboard while I'm typing. Anyway, the chatting usually contains all of our favorite words like: dude, dickslit, dang, lucky, harsh, rude, LOL, lamer, score and the list goes on. We spend time making fun of lameass commenters like Duston with an O and we laugh at each other. We read the hilarious posts of good ol' Americans like ourselves and contemplate on the fact that with so many funny people out there, why isn't the world a happy place all the time?

Sometimes we get on the cells because we are both cool and we are IN. (Can you hear me now?-Good). So she cracks me up with her many one-liners and I crack her up with the wonderful writing fodder that I provide for her. Okay..so I don't provide that much fodder..I just like that word now.

There really isn't any point to this post, for some reason I just think people need to hear about what we do during the day...yeah..not that much now that I read this. Okay...I'm going to try to get a life now.

Remember: "Talk to the left cause you ain't right." That's a direct quote from my nine year old.
Yikes.

Keep blogging people

HI-C....Out

Public Bathrooms-A Pet Peeve

2005-07-06T06:41:00.000-04:00

Okay...women are disgusting, at least in public bathrooms. Men, I can't speak for you, although whenever I ask my husband what the restroom was like when we go out, nine times out ten he says "It wasn't that bad." I'm convinced that's because he only has to sidle up to a urinal, whip it out (without ever touching anything or removing clothes) and then put it away. I guess the handle could be nasty though, but I digress.

One of my pet peeves is going into a public restroom and trying to find a clean stall. Forget it. I've resigned myself to think that it's not possible. Statistics show that 50% of both men and women do not wash their hands after using the bathroom and after seeing the state in which these women are leaving the stalls, that makes that statistic all the more frightening.

The other day I went to Costco with my husband and I had to use the bathroom. I went in and 3 of the stalls were occupied while the other 2 were heinously slewed with nasty, offensive, body secretions. I was forced to choose between a shit pile and a splatter. I went with the splatter, but let me talk about shit pile for a minute. Women, what the hell are you doing in there? Why did I walk in to that stall and see shit piled and smeared on the seat? Are you reaching back there with a bare hand, wiping your ass and then smearing the seat? Why would you do that? I told myself that maybe it was a child, but even so- mom's clean up after your kids or if they are unable to wipe their ass you must do it for them. Plus also, I've seen this so many times that I'm convinced it's not always children who are to blame.

The splatter is something I'm sure I'm not the only one to have seen. It's very common. The toilets are those big bowls that have those horseshoe shaped seats. Thus allowing for a very clear visual area of the back and sides of the bowl. Well, the back of this bowl looked liked the diarreah testing sight and it made me gag. Luckily I have perfected a move called ass-suspension. The name suggests exactly that...I suspend my ass about 3 or 4 inches above the bowl while peeing, never touching any of the revoltingness. I've perfected my moves enough to not even splash the seat, but on the rare occasion that I do, I carefully wipe it up with TP not touching anything else that didn't belong to me. Be careful you don't suspend too high or you might splash yourself, and who knows what has already been in that bowl. You might be asking how I do this if I have to crap. Well....I don't crap in public. The shit would have to be running for it's life to escape my body for me to actually sit all the way down on a seat. This unfortuante predicament has only happened to me once and I was pregnant with my daughter. Luckily, I was in a pretty clean bathroom at the time, although it wouldn't have mattered. You just never know what to expect when you're preggers.

Okay..so shit is one thing...what about the monthly shedding of uteran linings? Yes, women. You know who you are. Why do you think I want to see a used tampon/pad lying on the back of the bowl? Is that fun for you? Are you in there thinking up ways to make someone sick when they enter the stall after you? Don't you know that they put those cute little trash containers in each stall for a reason? Think about this, my daughter and many other daughters of the world have to go into these stalls too. I do not want my young, impressionable child to have to sit on the toilet with a used, smelly feminine product rotting in your wake. How vile is that? Every time my daughter uses a public bathroom I pray to God that she doesn't pick up some nasty disease.

The worst thing about this is that people really don't bother to wash their hands. Even if you don't normally wash your hands you should just because you've touched any part of the disgusting bathroom. I have seen women leave without washing, and it sickens me. Especially in a restaurant when I see a worker leave without washing. It makes me never eat in that place again.

When I wash my hands I try to get a paper towel and turn on the water first. Then I wash real well, and use another paper towel that I already have ready to dry my hands. I use that paper towel to turn off the water and open the door. If there are no paper towels I use a sleeve, if I have short sleeves I use the very tip of one finger and pray that I don't stick that finger in any crevice of my face before I can wash my hands again. I guess this sounds anal...but the germs and nasties floating around in those bathrooms make me want to vomit. I'd rather be careful then have someone's excrement accidentally enter my body by way of mouth. YUK!

Gyno-hell

2005-07-05T07:20:00.000-04:00

Today I have to go to the Gynecologist. YUK! Is this not the most heinous thing that a woman has to go through. Well, no, but one of the most annoying. I like my Dr., but well...YUK! I often wonder how many people he sees who don't bathe regularly. I can imagine his conversations at home with his wife..."Well honey, we had a real stinker in there today." I always do my best to make sure I'm not that woman. I shower of course before I go and then I graciously apply the "moist towelette" from within the changing room.

What I really hate is the games these people play. They make you think you're going to be in and out quick, but it's not true. Okay, maybe about 10 minutes you sit in the waiting room and when you get called and you're thinking..."All right! This is going to be quick!" Yeah Right!. When they call your name that first time they really should say "Chris ...come on back...you'll be peeing in cup, getting your finger pricked, getting your fat- self weighed and then... for the best part you'll be getting naked, putting on a hideous gown that doesn't quite cover your dimpled ass, and sitting on the table for another hour" "Hope you don't mind"(nurse smiling cheerfully).............and scene. Sigh.

Just when your butt is numb and your thinking 'I can't possibly enjoy this People magazine or this uterus diagram hanging atop the hideous flowered wallpaper much longer' you hear a knock-knock on the door and in walks the too-cheerful Doc. (he's happy it's not his holes that are getting poked and prodded). He knows me because I've been coming in for these exams for the past 5 years or so, and he trys to make small talk. 'Dude, I don't talk to you about how many cootchies you've seen today, maybe you could just get on with it.' Of course he has to start with the breast exam. I don't know how your Dr. does it, but mine parts the gown ever-so-slightly and starts feeling each breast while looking up at the ceiling. I guess that's good, but all the while he's still making the small talk. What the hell? "My job is fine." "No, not going anywhere fun this year." "I can't believe it's rained for 2 whole days either." (next boob) "My class was good last year." "Yeah, hope I get another good one." "No I don't check my breasts once a month like I'm supposed to." "Sorry"...smiling sheepishly.

Okay..on to part 2..the speculum. Men, and for those of you who have no idea what that is, it's a caulk-gun shaped instrument with which the Dr. ever-so-graciously uses to stick in and open up my already- stretched- from -2 -children vagina. "Okay..just put your feet in these stirrups and scoot down on the table...more..more. Okay, now spread your legs a little more...more" (my knees kind-of stick together during this part and he always has to tell me to spread wider. I think I'm more worried about him seeing my butt region more than my baby-hole, but I have to grin and bear it. (ha ha)

Dr. (with eyes closed by the way) proceeds to describe every little step of the process while his trusty nurse stands guard from behind to make sure he doesn't try anything funny. Okay, (after gloves are on and the KY jelly has been properly applied) "I'm going to insert my two fingers and feel around in there while pressing on your belly (ouch) and then I'm just going to insert this speculum (new from the wrapper just for you) okay, speculum in, now I'm going to swab inside with this foot-long Q-Tip and scrape for the cell sample ." Okay...so I probably don't have the exact wording, but you get my drift. Thank God my period ended two days ago, because ladies, he's goin' in anyway.

"Okay..you're done."(Feet out of the stirrups fast as possible). "Get dressed and meet me in my office across the hall". Once in the office he just wants to know if I have any more questions, and to tell me that at my age I should really get my cholesterol checked(we can do that right here in the office for the mere fee of the cost of your first born). "Here's your script for your birth control." Walking me to the front, he says thanks and I'll see you next year. Looking at the time I realize I've just wasted 2 and half hours for a 5 minute cell scrapage and cheap feel. Whatever. At least it's only once a year.

Spending Time

2005-07-03T08:33:00.000-04:00

I came to the realization the other night that married people become very comfortable, very fast. My husband and I have been married for 2 years but we've known each other for almost 7 years.

Every night since school has been out (I'm a teacher) the kids go to bed and I sit on the couch and read my books. I have finished 8 books in the past 3 weeks! It seems like I must do nothing else, but on the contrary I do. I do Pilates and walk every day. I clean, do laundry, grocery shop, go to Target :) , make dinner, water the plants etc...I feel like I lead a very full life. But, I digress. So I'm sitting there reading and my husband is playing on the computer. He's very methodically killing bad guys and trying to take over the world. Whatever.

A couple nights ago a thought occurred to me..."Honey" I say. "Are we spending enough time with each other?" "Probably not" he mutters from in front of the computer. So, I go back to my book and he continues fighting.

The next night I take my usual position on the couch, and my husband joins me. What? So I say, "I'm surprised you aren't playing your game." He says, "Well, I thought about what you said last night about us not spending enough time together." Crap. No reading for me tonight. Sigh. I resigned myself to the next 2 hours of TV watching, since we didn't really seem motivated to do anything else. I guess we should talk, play board games, or maybe read some major literary works to each other. Maybe we should make-out, hold hands, sit on the deck, or contemplate life. We didn't do any of those things. We looked at the TV and then we went to bed. The next night I was on the couch with my book and he was back on the computer.

I know what you're thinking...I guess we could have gone to bed earlier...if you know what I mean...but sometimes that just isn't an option. I'll let you decide what you want to about that, but let's just say, I'm not complaining. We go to bed "early" lots of times. We have a really great relationship too. We do talk, and we love each other completely. We hang out and walk and we play with our kids. We go to church(most of the time), we hang out with our families, and we still hold hands. I join him on his lunch hour almost once a week and he even goes shopping with me sometimes. We laugh at each other's jokes and we hug a lot. We say "I love you" all the time and "I appreciate you" all the time. Seems like everything is going okay to me!

I guess we just like our personal time. Nothing wrong with that...right?

3:15 a.m.

2005-07-03T08:07:00.000-04:00

It's 3:15 in the morning. I'm suddenly awakened by a sound coming from my one-year-old's bedroom. Ugghh..it's him..and he's crying. Why is he doing that? My eyes are now wide open, my ears are now wide awake and I'm listening while I contemplate all the thoughts that generally go through my mind when my baby wakes up. First of all he hasn't done this in so long and the last time he did this he was sick. So, I wonder-is he sick? I wonder if his belly hurts. Maybe he's thirsty. Maybe he had a bad dream. I don't know.

I decide to let him cry a little longer and then I remember that when my daughter was about 18 months old she woke up and started crying in her room. Well, she never did that and it wasn't even the middle of the night so I let her cry for a few minutes. Well, after about 10 minutes she was already quiet, so I figured she was back to sleep. The next morning when I got her up there was dried up spaghetti noodles laying in the bed next to her that she had apparently spewed the night before! I felt terrible for not checking on her when she had cried.

So...it's 3:18 a.m. and I am hurrying across the hall fearing the worst (like peanut butter and jelly and grapes) only to find Luke standing in the crib, arms outstretched, crying his eyes out. Thank God! no spew.

I pick him up and he put his beautiful little head down on my shoulder. I sat down in the rocker and I rub his back and hold him close. I'm still wondering what could be wrong. I think that if his belly hurts he would still be crying. He doesn't have a fever. He could be thirsty, but he's not acting like it, so I go with my gut and figure he's had his first nightmare. So I'm rocking him and thinking and praying. Then I think...oh no...what if this becomes a habit? What if he starts doing this every night? Anyone who knows me real well, knows that I don' t do the middle of the night so well.

Well, finally I figure it's been about 10 or 15 minutes so I stand up and tell Luke he has to go back to bed. I lay him down on his little soft travel-size pillow and start to leave. He's not too happy. He stands up and cries. Uh oh...well, I lay him back down and tell him "night night". I leave the room and he cries..of course. I'm back in bed. I'm laying there and now it's 3:30. I wonder if he will go back to sleep. I'm already forming my plan for he doesn't. But, after a few minutes he's quiet. I look at the clock and it's only 3:36. Not bad. I thank God again.

Now..I'm awake. My husband is asleep beside me, and I feel like my brain is going 100 miles per hour. I'm thinking about this blog. I'm wondering if I should get up. I say my prayers, I go to the bathroom...Arrrgg..

Now it's 4:20. I know I need to get to sleep, because Luke gets up at 7:00 on the dot. Plus, I have to be ready for my Pilates work out. Well, I don't remember much after that, so whatever I told myself must have worked.

I hope Luke doesn't get up tonight though...

There's a Sucker Born Every Minute

2005-06-30T15:46:00.000-04:00

Okay...so I'm a smart person, at least I like to think so, but today I'm questioning my brilliancy. I'm minding my own business, sitting on my couch and reading my book. It's the middle of the day, my one year old is finally down for a nap and ahhh.....peace. I'm quietly sipping my drink enjoying my time when the doorbell rings. Crap. I hate that. Do I answer? My usual thing to do is to not answer. I don't know why I answered, but I did. I open the door and there standing there is a young guy(maybe 19 or 20) and I think oh shit. I don't want to talk to you, but it's too late. I crack the door and he introduces himself. I can't remember his name. He's standing there with a goofy grin on his face, which is all red from the heat, sweat pouring down and trying to be funny. He's wearing a baseball cap, he's pretty thin and he has green eyes. (I only know that because he shared that with me when he asked me my favorite color and I said green---lo and behold his fav is green too!)

He tells me that he's in some contest and he needs to collect points so he can earn money towards a trip and $10,000. (Whatever) Then he proceeds to show me pictures of the 3 places he can go on his trip-all tropical and expensive. He asks me where I would go if I could. I tell him Hawaii and he says...yeah..not the place I'm going. He's going to go to Puerto Rico because he can speak Spanish. He notices my cat and takes this opportunity to continue his spiel by asking me if I can guess what he wants to be (I guess he means when he grows up and he's not smoozing innocents like myself out of hard-earned money). I take a stab in the dark and guess "A Vet?" Of course it's amazing I can't believe it, but I'm right! Who'd a thunk? (Mental eye roll---thanks Stephanie Plum)

The next thing he does is tell me that I can help him by looking at these little cards he magically produces from his pocket and deciding on which points I want to give him today. I had the choice between a 2 point card and a 4 point card. If you have never seen this before it's magazine titles with points designated next to them. I don't really know where the 2 points and 4 points comes in, because the numbers next to each title were all different and in the hundreds.

As I'm looking and thinking that I don't want a magazine and trying to figure out how to say this nicely, he figures out a way to get into my house by telling me he needs to record my name as proof that he has spoken to me. Lord! I could have been killed. What is going on? Anyway, he walks in, finds my table and proceeds to ask me my name so that he can write it down. On what you ask? Yes, on one of those 3 carbon receipt things. Okay...now I know I'm being suckered into a magazine for sure(I'm a freaking genius) and I finally decide on Nick Jr. for my 9 year old. Nothing else looked good, but now I'm remembering right this minute that Nick Jr. is not for 9 year olds...it's for toddlers. Arrggg....

He finishes filling in the receipt and proceeds to tell me that I will be receiving 45 issues for the grand total of $72.50! What? So, I say..Wait..what if I don't want 45 issues. Sorry he says it's a package deal. So do I tell him never mind I don't want it? Of course not....I write the check.

I'm not saying that I don't like to help people out, but that is ridiculous. I just paid almost $100 for a magazine that no one in this family will even want to read. Duh! Lesson #251 on why you should not answer the doorbell in the middle of the day on a weekday: It's going to cost you a lot of money. (PS: Lesson # 1 is you might open the door to a killer) I should have gone back to lesson #1.